Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
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It's never too late to be topless.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
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When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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