I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
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