Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
