You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
