guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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