I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
