my sisters under your porch take her home
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
