just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
