I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
are you so shy because you have an std?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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