woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
