Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
