News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
