im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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