i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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