i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
