So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
