I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
