i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
