I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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