Who did Billy Mays play for?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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