Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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