Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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