Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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