very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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