I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
