oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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