someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
