I think my vagina is haunted
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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