just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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