I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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