I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
