If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
PANTIES FOUND
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
