Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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