she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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