so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
