My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
