I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
