I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
