u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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