My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize
