Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
