and she was petting her beer can
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
COCAINE IS GR8
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
