I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
sarcasm needs its own font
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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