just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
so let's talk penis.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
