I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
