A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
