I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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