12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
