My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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