I molested 6 butterflies tonight
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My balls are so social today.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
