3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
