Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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