burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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