I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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