is your mom at the bar?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
