i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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