the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
