I was born with a shot glass in my hand
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
