I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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