Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
