The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
